when "other than" really isn't an option... i'm left with just being myself.
poop. woot. hooray.
i've been feeling kinda blue lately. perhaps it's the season. perhaps its the perils of finding myself in a relationship after many, many years of unwillingness to be in a relationship. as soon as i find myself *in* one, i remember why i was unwilling. it is scary and at times painful. it strikes me as almost completely unneccessary. i do not understand the purpose and function of romantic relationships, other than for breeding and rearing children.
i'm reading this book about love. it's not a self-help book or anything, it's a study on the nature and chemistry of romantic love. lots of research about brain chemistry, neural networks, animal behavior. it pretty much verified for me that the reason for the evolution of romantic love *is* in fact for the purpose of breeding and rearing children. mystery solved. we get duped into it for the sake of humanity. it's totally natural, all of it. the agony and the ecstacy. anthony de mello can suck my teat, today. the zen-masters may try to free us from the pain of desire, but that shit seems to be hard-wired in there... the attachment, the desire, the longing.
it appears that *my* mode and manner of loving is more like that of a praire vole, and *his* manner of love and affection is more like that of a male grizzly bear. interesting.
i like milton's version of the adam and eve myth in paradise lost (if i remember it correctly). instead of the common biblical interpretation that SHE gave HIM the fruit and got them expelled (hateful source of a chasm of distrust, suspicion, and animosity) milton tells it as a love story. after discovering that eve has eaten of the tree of knowledge, adam eats as well, out of love. he would rather be expelled from paradise and trudge the road of difficultly with his eve than remain, alone, in paradise.
i'm such a dork.
read lisa's blog. we're gonna lay it on the line tonight. no holds barred, bleeding heart bingo. good times.
Praire Vole: (yes, it's vole)